Bowling for Burgers

wheelie: I could never date a girl that eats double chili cheese burgers from hardees.
chopper: i dunno, i think that's the girl to love
wheelie: this is a kind of good naked/bad naked discussion.

The International Language

chopper: You know how they say smoking makes you look cool? I hope chain
smoking makes you look like the baddest MFer on the planet.
wheelie: only if you wear an antiqued leather motorcycle jacket.
wheelie: i'm such a cock when it comes to smoking.
wheelie: i praise myself for not doing it, but that's only because i'm not around the smokes.
wheelie: when i am, I'm on the prowl to bum
chopper: girls can bum cigarettes quite easily. I wonder if they know how good
their lives are.
wheelie: pretty much everything is at their fingertips.
wheelie: that includes the bad, admittedly. but on a scale... ain't even close.
chopper: where we face Everest, they face Blueberry Hill.
wheelie: it's really like the hit movie "better off dead"
chopper: we all have our own K-12 to conquer, our own Roy Stalin to rid of, our own two dollars to deal with paying.
wheelie: and there are never any good drugs around.

Belgique

wheelie: i trust your judgement.
chopper: good thing
wheelie: if i were blind, i'd trust you to tell me which girls were hot.
chopper: i'd set you up with a hottie, no doubt
chopper: if i were deaf, i would trust you to tell me which girls weren't annoying as hell
wheelie: i hope she smells like flowers or something pretty
chopper: waffles
wheelie: oh, i'd let you know
wheelie: waffles and jam
wheelie: the new fragrance from elizabeth arden
chopper: that would have me in seconds

White Collar Crime

chopper: maybe we'd have better luck with girls if we took a businessman's standpoint.
chopper: how was your third quarter?
wheelie: not much return there, peterson.
chopper: i'm looking to increase sensitivity in the fourth quarter
wheelie: it takes women to get women, sir.
chopper: i'm trying to create buzz
wheelie: shall i make my love publicly available? an IPO?
chopper: baby, how do you like the idea of dividends?
chopper: my love pays big
chopper: let me show you a graph
wheelie: this relationship is no longer profitable, baby. may the ventures of the future be profitable. good day.

Heathers

wheelie: you know, that show scrubs is funny, but i get tired of the didactic endings.
chopper: the balance between sentimentality and sarcasm always tips to the former in the end, yes
wheelie: i like a show that presupposes i don't give a shit about anything but the comedy
wheelie: i don't want to hear anti drug messages at the end or child abuse hotline numbers
chopper: if i wanted to change my life, i would turn off the tv.
chopper: "if you or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence, blah blah blah...."
chopper: please, just make me laugh
wheelie: yes
chopper: and show me some more heather locklear
wheelie: schwing
chopper: if heather locklear was on every tv show, tv wouldn't suck so much
chopper: even ABC would be good
chopper: i could even stomach "touched by an angel"
wheelie: she's got oodles of sass. sass is a rare commodity.
chopper: sass can't be taught
wheelie: you can't own sass either.
wheelie: it can only own you.
chopper: bold statement

Low Rise

wheelie: i busted out some new jeans last night.
wheelie: and by busted i don't mean blew them out.
chopper: did you buy them last night or were they New Old Stock?
wheelie: last night. they are new old looking stock. NOLS
chopper: i love the vintage styles Levi's is bringing back
chopper: it's as if they've heard my prayers
wheelie: i think my inspector, I-53, may have been pissed.
chopper: why for?
wheelie: there were about twenty "inspected by" tags in my pocket!
wheelie: i can only imagine how distraught the inspector was. i empathize.
chopper: he/she was probably just trying to be thorough
wheelie: i think it was an action of desperation.
wheelie: maybe they're getting no respect at levi's world headquarters?
chopper: I would return any pair of jeans that didn't have an inspector's endorsement
wheelie: and womens jeans these days...man.
chopper: the women have some nice jeans
chopper: i hope they are comfortable, for them
wheelie: i think just now jeans are getting to the apex of artistic and technical achievement.
wheelie: and comfortability.
wheelie: my sources say the sexy jeans are also comfortable.
chopper: finally, function and form are shaking hands and no one's getting hurt
chopper: which is the sexier word: jeans or dungarees?
wheelie: depends on if you're a prisoner or not...

It's In There

wheelie: so did you hit that tortellini last night?
wheelie: that's not a euphemism
chopper: no, actually. i skipped dinner
chopper: forgot to eat
wheelie: i did
wheelie: have you ever wondered why the single guy pasta sauce selection is so thin?
wheelie: i can only find mushroom in the small jar.
wheelie: and sometimes i feel like a garden vegtables
chopper: this has troubled me before, yes
wheelie: and my tortellini is already mushroom!
chopper: what i want is barilla in a small jar. spicy pepper, please
wheelie: but i can't buy a big jar. it'll just sit in my fridge till i move!
wheelie: so it's the same in your neck of the woods.
wheelie: and the pesto jars are deceptive creatures.
chopper: you have to leave a note for yourself that there is still sauce in an open jar
chopper: put the note in the yellow pages where the pizza parlour listings are
wheelie: but is it crusty? i'm not down with that.
chopper: it's not crusty. the rim of the jar might be crusty.
chopper: that wasn’t a euphemism
wheelie: thank god.
chopper: it's plenty moist inside
wheelie: i like it a little chunky.
wheelie: something to hold on to. for your tastebuds of course.
chopper: i don't care for sauce with carrots up in there
wheelie: but a crisp pepper. dayum.
chopper: i'm not into gimmicks so much.
chopper: i just want a sauce with great flavor that doesn't run all over the plate
wheelie: i want all that, but i want it in a single guy size.
chopper: you know, if you compare the unit price, you're getting gouged on that single guy size.
chopper: once again, that's not a euphemism
wheelie: i never find the large jars to be cost effective for just myself. if there's two or three people in the mix.
wheelie: pas des euphemisms
chopper: how much sauce do you like on your pasta? i guess that's where our styles might be in conflict
wheelie: i like a good covering. the small jar is a little too much, but i can leave that in the pot
chopper: i like a sopping wet mess
chopper: if i can, at any moment during my meal, grab a spoonful of sauce and just let it slide down my throat sans pasta, i'm happy
wheelie: i like that on say...angel hair. but for tortellini, it can carry itself.
wheelie: i don't want to quell the tasty surprise wrapped in it's protective noodle blanket
chopper: you'd be tough to beat in court
wheelie: maybe i should have been a lawyer?
wheelie: nah
chopper: you're too good for that
wheelie: i could stand a career change
wheelie: i love what i do, but i'm not doing it so much anymore.
chopper: sure. me too

Dark Ages

wheelie: so would you say that the character ross is the most fun to write for on the hit nbc sitcom friends?
chopper: i would find it frustrating and perhaps suffocating. having to write all those whiny lines, but still knowing that he whines for real, honest reasons.
wheelie: i can see that, but oftentimes he gets the best jokes.
chopper: but aren't they usually at his own expense? i would find that hard to deal with.
wheelie: so who would you want to write for? friends fan fiction.
chopper: i really like it when rachel says "Joey" in a certain way. It's very short and you know, it's uncanny, she manages to accent both syllables equally. i'd like to write some stuff like that for her
chopper: i also think that gunther could hold his own in a spinoff
wheelie: that's a pretty ballsy thing to say.
wheelie: i respect that.
chopper: i mean, they'd have to add something to his character, like maybe he's training to be a NASCAR driver
wheelie: some dutch flavor, if you will.
chopper: OH---and Rachel haunts Gunther's reverie!
wheelie: so who would you vote for weakest character?
chopper: I gotta go with Mon
wheelie: same here.
chopper: if you notice, in earlier episodes she seemed to have at least half a brain
chopper: but now, she's a 2-dimensional catch-all for easy put downs
wheelie: it's true. too much focus on the OCD. no real character growth.
wheelie: however, i'm most attracted to her.
chopper: Monica is easy on the eyes
chopper: i like a simple woman
chopper: Monica is simple
wheelie: and she can cook
chopper: not according to her mom!
chopper: do you see the "Marcel period" as being Friends' dark ages?
wheelie: i haven't seen them all. but i found it kind of cheap.
chopper: monkey humor is overdone, and i get a little embarrassed when i see it
chopper: midget humor suffers in a similar manner
wheelie: monkey and midgets are tired

We Were On a Break

wheelie: i've been sending emails all day. ick
chopper: to who?
chopper: jesus@heaven.org?
wheelie: RE: go to hell
wheelie: >>why would you say that?
wheelie: >burn.
chopper: >>what would i do?
wheelie: this begs the question. heaven is an org?
wheelie: why the collection then?
chopper: i figured it wouldn't be a .com or a .gov, or an .edu
chopper: hmmmm
chopper: you have a point
wheelie: this is an interesting theological point
wheelie: we're in uncharted territory here
chopper: indeed. it's not a .tv --heaven's been around longer than .tv
chopper: .mil?
chopper: .biz?
wheelie: there are certainly sects for the edus
chopper: maybe heaven is itself to big to be under one suffix
wheelie: maybe it's locational.
wheelie: we need to start calling ministers, priests, and preachers
wheelie: get ecumenical on that ass.
chopper: that's what it is. heaven.ecu
chopper: that encompasses all sects
wheelie: i think that works
wheelie: let's propose it.
chopper: i'll send the idea to his almighty greatness tonight right after i pray for another season of Friends

…And Roll Out

wheelie: i need a new grilling buddy.
wheelie: it's the perfect crisp fall weather for some grilling.
chopper: i got a pass for two to an advanced screening of a movie next week
wheelie: but grilling alone, you know. it's not that fun. and let's not even get into safety.
chopper: no, you need someone to catch runaway briquettes
wheelie: i need a bactine administrator.
chopper: and to keep you from the dangers of overseasoning
wheelie: just in case.
wheelie: you're right. i cannot say when. i spice it up too much.
wheelie: what movie is the advanced screening?
chopper: it shows that you are a passionate man
chopper: a movie about the brothas on motown recordings that got no love on the liner notes
chopper: marvin gaye had plenty of love for the ladies, but not for his backing band
chopper: let's get it on indeed
wheelie: fur coats?
chopper: are you asking my position on fur coats?
chopper: i'd wear one if the right david bowie song were playing
wheelie: no, are there any fur coats in the movie?
chopper: i haven't seen it yet.
chopper: wanna wear a wig, call me honey and go see it with me?
wheelie: so who's the lucky lady you're going to take. sounds like the perfect movie for a date.
wheelie: are the tickets gender specific?
wheelie: general admission. male.
chopper: i was gonna see if bjork was available. she's into music
wheelie: i'd do the wig thing, honey.
chopper: i'd like to go with a girl, but then, well, you know. that'd mean i'd have to ask one to go with me
wheelie: put up flyers. there is still time.
wheelie: it would be captainous, my friend.
chopper: i'll fire up the silk screen press tonite
chopper: what image would grab a girl's attention most?
wheelie: let's see. girls. what do they like?
chopper: atari?
wheelie: the atari logo?
chopper: i heard that those transformers t-shirts make girls hot
chopper: so yeah, a flyer with a huge picture of optimus prime that says: DATE ME
wheelie: you mean the fabric doesn't breathe?
wheelie: does the decepticons make them hotter. cause you're a bad boy?
chopper: the fabric breathes plenty, but when a guy sports a decepticons shirt, it's the girl who has trouble breathing
wheelie: TRANSFORM MY LOVE
chopper: ooooh. good one!
wheelie: kapow!
chopper: My love: more than meets the eye